Tuesday, June 10, 2014
I think I'm going crazy but that may not mean much because I always say I'm going crazy,
but I'm serious this time, just because you know you're going crazy does not mean you actually aren't. People are always saying that a crazy person can't tell that they're crazy but I'm sure of it.if I'm not crazy than I must surly be insane there is no other logical explanation to my acts and thoughts, if it's even possible for an insane person to be logical, who knows?
I make up scenarios in my head to a degree that I'm unsure if they are made up or real, and I guess that's the main thing that's got me worrying. Is it normal? Do people actually act and say certain things, in real life situations to real life people, that they conjured up, just because, just because they can, just because they don't really care much for reality?...And if so, is it that what lying is? Am I basically calling lying insanity? If so does that mean that everyone is, in some way, insane?
If I say my hair is blue, doesn't that mean that "I said that my hair is blue" is a true statement, and does that not give the statement some truth even if that truth is very very slight? I know that my hair is not blue at all, it can be considered potentially blue, but it's not actually blue, I know that for it to be blue I have to dye it or have my hair be the color blue, sight, seeing something makes it true in our minds, so why not hearing, why can't we assume that hearing something makes it true, just as seeing something makes it true? The words and the sound they make is real, although the content may or may not be true. If we are looking at it from a reality point of view, my hair is blue, the truth of the statement is another question entirely.
I've been told many times that there is great power in words, and if my fabricated realities find there way to reality through my words, than does that not mean that they are real? What is reality anyways?
Never mind that, there's no writeable answer to that question.
I'm not going to philosophi (filo-so-f-eye) on the topic any longer. I know it's not a word, but who cares when it makes total sense? Or does it only make sense to me ? Are the things I automatically assume as logical, logical to people other than me? Am I so consumed in my reality that I've forgotten (if I even knew to begin with) how to speak the language people speak/understand outside my mind...
Is this, what I'm writing right now just another fabrication of my imagination? Do I really think these things I'm writing or am I just thinking them up? If that makes any sense. I don't know! How do I tell the difference? Is there a difference at all? Do I automatically believe what I think? Or, can I disagree with myself, with my thoughts to a degree that I put my sanity in question? Does my logic mind overweigh my imaginative one? Or vice versa?
If I continue thinking, will I get to a point of no return, so to speak, a point at which I'm unable to tell the difference between, what's real, logical, mathematical, physical...and what I've imagined?
I don't know.
And it scares me, I fear that there is no way to stop it. There is no way I can stop thinking, thought can't be turned off. We think every second we are alive, even when we're asleep, when our conscious mind isn't active, our awareness, even when what we consider "me" is out of the question, we can't stop thinking, our subconscious still goes at it.
That's when I'm forced to see things the other way around, because I refuse to admit I'm insane, insanity by definition is a negative concept, a deficiency, a disability. I refuse to accept the fact that the way I think, my essence, is something wrong that needs medication or fixing. So I see it like this, who decides the autistic kid is insane? Why are they right? Can't the autistic kid say the same about them?
You might be thinking, "this person just contradicted everything she started off saying" I'm going crazy... I'm truly insane...and then I refuse to admit I'm insane, that just makes this whole entry useless doesn't it?
No, it doesn't.
I'm insane, and I'm not insane, the way I see it insanity it a positive thing, I'm that kind of insane not the one that defines it as negative.
I might be crazy....
Then again, I don't mind being crazy